Stuck in a Relationship Rut?

When people find that special someone and commit to a long-term relationship, they often think their future is bright, that they know their mate. They choose them—and the rest of life will unfold into a happy, fulfilled, easy existence.

Over time, romantic relationships can sometimes fall into boring, stagnant, or uninspired phases in which people feel like they are “going through the motions” of life without any newness. Relationship habituation generally describes when couples become stagnant, stuck in a rut that can feel boring and predictable. In essence, relationships can fall stale and fail to inspire growth because we fall into patterns that neglect growth and change.

Of course, it’s easy to let this happen. As we age, our responsibilities in daily life accumulate, and people neglect to connect with their mate because of competing interests or obligations. For example, early in romantic relationships, the mate is often the first priority and garners great attention, time, and effort. Yet, over time, other competing interests like parenting kids, work responsibilities, and even self-care may come before the partner.

Getting Curious About Your Mate

As anyone who has been in a lasting romantic relationship knows, the journey of life is full of change. We want to grow in parallel with our mate over time if our relationship is going to last. This means that we need to learn about how they are changing—things like what they are learning, what new passions they develop, what preoccupies their mind—over the course of time. In essence, we need to stay curious about who they were, who they are now, and who they are becoming.

Research suggests that interpersonal curiosity, or the desire to authentically understand a mate or another person, generally increases feelings of trust and psychological safety, encourages vulnerability and sharing, builds attachment/bonding, promotes empathy, and helps partners stay connected through difficult times (Jauniaux & Lawford, 2024). It can create a safe but interesting and engaging space for couples to continue to connect as they evolve and grow over time (Aron et al., 2020).

Inspiring Curiosity Through Conversation

So, how can you spark a newfound curiosity in a long-term relationship? Engaging in open-ended, exploratory conversations with your mate is key. There are no “bad questions,” as long as they are asked authentically in a nonjudgmental way to understand your mate.

The easiest topics for many people to explore about everyday preferences and experiences give rise to questions like:

• What was the best part of your day today?
• The hardest part?
• Do you have any regrets about how you handled something today?
• What made you smile? What surprised you? Disappointed you?
• What is occupying your mind?

For more of a challenge, expand conversations to include larger life values and priorities that are deeper but also require more vulnerability. Questions like:

• If you could do anything, what would your ideal day look like? Who would be there? How could I help make it exceptional?
• What are you focused on in the coming year? What is on your bucket list?
• What’s something that’s changed about you in the last year? Five years?
• What gives your life purpose or meaning?
• What is a current world issue that you are struggling with understanding or conflicted about? Why?
• What matters to you most in life, and how do you express that?

The hardest conversations often center around your relationship. Questions like:

• What is different about being married to me than you expected?
• What do you appreciate the most about me as a partner?
• What is something you’d like me to work on?
• What do you wish I understood about you?
• What is most difficult for you when we fight?
• How can I be a better mate to you?
• What do you need to be more fulfilled in this relationship?
• How can we grow together and not drift apart?

The Naked Truth

When couples stop trying to explore themselves and their mate, or stop getting curious about who they and their partner are becoming over time, it is much easier to disconnect from each other. Developing a mindset that sparks curiosity about your mate helps couples stay excited, connected, and interested in one another over time.

Of course, there are ways to make this negative. If conversations feel accusatory or blaming, they will not build curiosity because a person will become less likely to share. If the information is being gathered to be used against them (e.g., “You said you were jealous, so now I can’t trust you with my deepest fantasies”), to punish them, or to control/manipulate them, it is not a safe space to be curious together. That said, if your relationship is feeling stuck, start asking questions! Maybe lead simply with that statement: “I’m feeling a little uninspired in our life right now—it feels too regimented, and I’d like to talk to you about that.” See where the conversation leads you.

Copyright Cortney S. Warren, Ph.D., ABPP

Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. I cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet. Best wishes on your continued journey.

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